Perfectly Strange

..

2008-05-19T10:26:23Z

Sometimes..

I just feel like I don't quite meet your expectations.
Like I don't measure up to what you want me to be..

..or, just maybe, to what you're used to.

bnmuse2 @ 2008-04-27T18:28:00

2008-04-27T22:31:14Z

If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they're supposed to be there.

Fact or fiction?
I'm just not sure anymore. The only thing I know is I can't CAN'T CAN'T stop thinking about her. She's not supposed to be there, that place is supposed to be filled with someone else. If I know this, why do I still think of her?
One little thing will remind me...
...and cause quite the snowball effect. Before I know it I'm lost in my thoughts.

It shouldn't be this way.

Decisions...

2007-12-05T04:59:43Z

Decisions...

We can chart our future clearly and wisely only when we know the path which has led to the present...

This can be applied to many things, something as basic as what we are going to have for lunch, exercise, study habits, a relationship or even a more crucial decision--for instance moving to a new place.

Now, I wouldn't necessarily consider myself an unhappy individual, however lately that seems to be the only status I can give myself. I've never quite stepped back and looked at the bigger picture but rather blamed my unhappiness on smaller dilemmas of which I convinced myself I couldn't control. Relationships being number one, and after some thought I've realized that I'm the only one who CAN control the way relationships effect my emotions. It's all about how far I'm willing to let someone push/pull me, and in the past i've given way too much. I've slso blamed my unappiness on school, and work, and any other obstacle that i'm too lazy to even attempt to overcome.
Consequently, when I change the direction of my relationship, my study habits in school, my work hours, or anything else--I'm still unhappy. This has brought me to the conclusion that my current state isn't a result of any of these things, likewise changing these things will not change the way I feel.

I've lived in Olive Hill (basically Morehead) for many years, 19 to be exact. Nineteen LOOONG years, in a small hell hole with zero opportunities and no economy. The most promising job one can hope for in morehead would be a position as Manager in a fast food chain, or maybe Walmart. There are few self-owned businesses that actually amount to anything, and in an area as small as Morehead it would seem to be near impossible to get one started. Lately I've been faced with two decisions-- stay here, finish out school (not sure what I want to be), continue to work at the Dollar General and risk spending more time than I want with that stupid company OR move somewhere (lexington most likely) take a semester off of school, so I can figure out exactly what I want to do without wasting time and/or getting the grades I don't want, and have many, many, MANY more opportunities. This may not be the way I need to look at things, but I feel like this will completely turn things around for me. I've always been the most indecisive person, EVER and making a decision this big is scary, but what's even scarier is my future if I stay here. I've always thought there was just a block in my thought process when I tried to think out my life in Morehead, but now I'm realizing more and more that it could be because there's nothing here for me. I know I can be something great, well...I have the drive to be anyhow, I just need to learn what that is exactly...

I think I can do it, in fact I KNOW I can do it...
...now, all I have to do is ACTUALLY go through with it.

When you cannot make up your mind which of two evenly balanced courses of action you should take - choose the bolder.

..

2007-11-25T04:55:34Z

. .. giving up? a bad thing...

nahhhhh. I sure hope not, it's all I've been doing lately.

Hmmm

2007-11-18T02:20:27Z

Sometimes it's necessary to give up on something or someone, before you end up giving up on yourself.

bnmuse2 @ 2007-10-22T22:01:00

2007-10-23T02:13:13Z

Why do we shun those who only try to help?

Funny, I thought we were supposed to move forward in life. However, lately I've found myself on a downward/backward slop and i can't get any traction to go back up. Everything and everyone is failing me and noone seems to be on the same page as I am.

Maybe you really do have to hit the bottom before you can start to go back up...

They say the little things mean the most and I've found that to be true, very true. It's quite hard to be happy when they're missing...
..but should I really have to ASK for something as small as a damn HUG?!

..

2007-10-14T03:40:21Z

And the truth comes out...

..I didn't think anyone would ever know. Show's how much I know myself.
...

First Time...

2007-10-10T16:57:21Z

"Looking at you..

...holding my breath, for once in my life, i'm scared to death..

..I'm taking a chance, letting you inside."

bnmuse2 @ 2007-10-02T01:18:00

2007-10-02T05:19:59Z

You make me smile.

No, really. :)

bnmuse2 @ 2007-09-30T23:38:00

2007-10-01T03:41:54Z

AAAhhhhhhhhhh

I'm happy. :)

Today was great, road trip to Louisville for a softball game. I met some grand new people!
I also FINALLY studied in the library! Well...pretended to study, but mostly talked ;)

On the downside, it's very cold in my apartment. Boo.

bnmuse2 @ 2007-09-29T16:16:00

2007-09-29T20:17:55Z

What a great night :)

and day... hehe

Siiiiiggghhh....

bnmuse2 @ 2007-09-26T23:29:00

2007-09-27T03:36:10Z

I

Hate

You.

I hope YOU read this, and take each of those three words to heart because they will NEVER change.
I don't know why I ever loved you, ever wanted you, ever believed in you or thought you were worth my time. You've done nothing but hurt me. That's all you're good for.
You make me sick.

I'm so DONE with all of this...

bnmuse2 @ 2007-09-26T13:49:00

2007-09-26T17:54:37Z

I guess there's a right time and a wrong time for everything.
Too bad my times tend to fall into the 'wrong' category...

Atleast the one I didn't want is gone...no more worrying, trying to be perfect, or hiding myself.
I won't hurt anymore...

Remember the time I told you, the way that I felt...

2007-09-26T05:01:13Z

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

She said if we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

I'm Tired...

2007-09-25T05:38:32Z

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all that wants
And all that needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
Your finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

[Chorus]
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight will make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when your blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

Why did I ever get involved with someone like YOU?
From the first day I met YOU, everything in my life has revolved around YOU.
It's OVER. Never again will I speak to you, or even think about you.

Going to ruin me huh?
Good job, you succeeded

bnmuse2 @ 2007-09-23T18:40:00

2007-09-23T22:41:01Z

..for another night in a row, this is becoming too routine for me.

...

2007-09-22T15:56:43Z

I mean really.

Could I feel any worse right now?
........

UGH

bnmuse2 @ 2007-09-15T23:40:00

2007-09-16T03:42:14Z

A breath of fresh air

Now that you’re gone

I must have been blind

It’s what I wished, all along

You tried to control me

The things that I’d do

You just failed to see

I couldn’t be you

Molding and cutting

Shaping me to be

Just what you wanted

Not best for me

Your best interest

Was only my worst

You never thought twice

Or once fixed the hurt

Simply un-trustable

What you were to me

Now I’m exhausted

It’s too plain to see

Manipulation

That’s your middle name

I’m finally out

Not playing your game

....well felt good to get that out! Blah!

First Time for Everything

2007-09-14T17:44:31Z

I’m standing in the place we met
Heart shakes, and then I sweat
It’s so hard to see that it’s all over

What did I do to make this end?
And could I really be your friend?
I can barely just pretend it’s over

I’m standing in the place we first kissed
There’s so much I miss
This I can’t resist cause I’m all over
Where we took our first photograph,
And where I first held your hand and laughed
Awkward moments like that have passed, it’s over

(bridge)
You’re fine and I believe it
I’m something you never needed
I can’t say the same for you

(chorus)
But there’s a first time for everything
And I’ll fall in love again
When I begin my second time around
It’s the last time I’ll think of you
You can do what you’d like to do
But if you only knew I’m never coming back

I’m standing in the place we first said goodbye
I don’t know why, I so relied on you for my smile
I laid happiness in your hands
And I don’t really understand
The cost was more than I could stand
It was miles wide

bnmuse2 @ 2007-09-11T16:29:00

2007-09-11T20:32:18Z

I'm out...

I have closure, and I can now be happy,

Finally.

-Would have bled to make you happy
You didn't need to ~~treat~~ me that way
And now you beat me at my own game
And now I'm finally sleeping soundly-

....

2007-09-11T13:27:28Z

I don't want you.

Infact, I don't know what I want, but I know you aren't it...
I just want it all to be over,
with no memories.

It's true, I wish I had never met you...

bnmuse2 @ 2007-09-09T10:24:00

2007-09-09T14:32:02Z

Hmmm....

I don't wanna study.
I wanna go to the lake, but I have no car keys.
Headache's are bad.
as is Procrastination..

..story of my life.

---But you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me---

bnmuse2 @ 2007-09-08T13:06:00

2007-09-08T17:14:39Z

If only I could have realized I was making such a mistake. Why couldn't I see it? I'm so blind to everything until it's already begun, then it's too late. I'm tired of all the regrets, all the what-if's, all of the I'm sorry's and the heartbreak.

I don't know a good thing when I see it, or have it.
I'm never satisfied, and although I'm aware of this flaw, I cannot change it...

...

2007-09-06T00:52:26Z

Why can't you just be honest?
I know how you talk to her, I know how you feel...
You must think you're better or that you have special privelages. Like you can do things I can't. Like everything you do is okay.

Stop hiding.

You're wrong, the fault is yours. You should be sorry..

bnmuse2 @ 2007-09-02T19:44:00

2007-09-02T23:46:50Z

So we've put an ~~end~~ to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried ~~cutting the ropes~~ and
~~I let you go~~ but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
If I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried ~~cutting the ropes,~~
Tried ~~letting go~~ but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home, yeah,
You're still the only one that feels like home